Him? him? or her?

                            Today

This has been an interesting day

                                Full of love. . . laughter

                                                   a complete day accept

                     for little mental disorganization

                                           woke up depressed

                                 thinking about all of them

                                                  Him in my spirit

                                                     him in my heart

                                                   her in my psyche

                                               then there is me. . .

                                                                I think

                                        Maybe it’s anesthetic

                         the way I think in the morning

                                   residue from old dreams

                                                 and faded faces

                  maybe it’s the fantasy line I play

                                       wishing for the Butler          

                                     to help me with my bath

                     and Missy the maid to bring me

                                     cream and strawberries

                      Maybe it’s lost lavish thoughts of lust

                                       pleasures and all their

                            damned directed erections

                                                           to get there

                      There is so much to wake up to

                                           but what to do first?

                       Suddenly I realize I can do anything

                                                        I am in charge of me

                                                       I start to get excited

                                                                    I want it all

                                                                  but what first?

                                                                     who first?

                                                                         Him. . .

                                                                           him. . .

                                                                           or her?

When I was in my third decade of life, around the year I was diagnosed with MS, I was a true fuzz ball in my head. My body was changing. My children were 7, 8, & 9 and my mother was driving me crazy. I wrote the poem “Today” processing whose voice I would listen to. The Lord was chastising me, my male friend constantly reminded me of my flesh and my mother’s demands fought my growing integrity. More than anything I wanted to escape and find peace. I was only 11 years old in the Lord… just a baby Christian in a grown up body. I cried out unto the Lord using Psalm 51. “Have mercy on me, O Lord, according to your unfailing love… according to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions…  Create in my a pure heart O God…” Twenty years later I realized how much he was loving me and how much mercy he was bestowing upon me. He was shaping me.

Jesus opened my eyes. He taught me how to walk with him. He taught me how to talk to him anytime and anywhere. All that crying out unto the Lord taught me that prayer is my most powerful resource. “The Lord is my shepherd… I shall not be in want.”  Today, I join you in remembering that part of our royal privilege is raising our voices to heaven.

Hold on brothers and sisters to the promises that are yours. Don’t give up because you don’t see the answers. Be persistent, stay alert at all times and on every occasion. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light is HIM.

I chose Jesus!

Peace to you all

-angela